Monday 28 April 2014

Day 85, WhoreMoans

Endo 365

WhoreMoans AKA Crappy hormones (Also an oxymoron as they are always crappy, oh gosh so punny)

Yep- this blog has been long overdue.

And one of the reasons for this is because, well, I haven't had any hormones. Or at least, I haven't had any for almost five years and so these last three months since my op where I have suddenly developed breasts and feelings has been a strange but rather exciting one.

Lemme expand: Having had my ovaries shut down since I was 14, I have escaped the typically dramatic, irrational and traumatic symptoms of being a teenage girl. GNrH irradiated my body gynaecologically of being anything other than a 90 year old which is kinda strange but no periods and no spots are a winning combination for anyone, even boys although the latter is only relevant.

One of the weirdest things about no longer being on my menopause is that suddenly I have these totally irrational and unprovoked diva tantrums and chaos erupts in the repressed annoying  female part of my brain. I am aware of myself getting snappy-dude about something that previously would have washed over me. And it is so annoying, I have to force myself to step outside of the situation and give myself a metaphorical slap in the face. I pride myself upon being low maintenance (yeah thats right- I said it) and just rolling with the flow of whatever. But there are now occasionally little devil voices getting me unnecessarily agro about stupid suff. And that is annoying.

Growing up I have always been an agony aunt to my friends and siblings which I love. Those people who commonly complain that people only come to them for advice when they need it shouldn't feel begrudging of that. Be proud that you are the person they feel they can turn to when they need reason, sense, a little love and maybe some fair truths, If you are this person, be proud. ANYWAY. Growing up, especially in the last 5 years, peers have always seeked my council and I would absolutely be able to empathise and advise to the best of my knowledge. However I would secretly question whether I was a sociopath as I was unaffected by the same worries and concerns.

I assumed this was because maybe I'm a little mature for my age or because I have a fair amount of life experience under my belt, or because I pretty much know who I am, especially for an 18 year old. But I was wrong.

So, so wrong.

The reason those matters didn't factor into my life was not because I am as cool as a cucumber, but because chemically, my brain wasn't wired in the same way. I was vaguely aware of this at the time but you only realise the difference things make afterwards.

I was not exempt from petty discourse but immune to thinking that way. The potential was within me, just repressed.

Serves me right for thinking I was low-maintenance eh?

Since my hormones have been switched back on, I am beginning to realise the difference it has made, but I quite like it. It is almost like I'm normal.

Almost.

I am getting spots cyclically, becoming irrational, agro and worried without due reason, my boobs have grown (wahoo, maybe one day I will fill a AAAAA).

I can remember why I used to call them 'whoremones' now- because they're no fun and so anti sisterhood I can't even tell you.

I had a great ride being a rational autonomous human being, but I have now landed back into the female world of mayhem and madness, and its kind of nice to be back. Even if I do feel my thighs are a little too fat.

F.Y.I. These WhoreMoans have changed my views towards my own figure... I weight no more than I did before they were unleashed around my bloodstream, and my clothes fit exactly the same, however I feel in myself more insecure about my figure. I know objectively that this is not my body but these whoremoans. So its worth baring in mind that you aren't actually fat, or anything like how you feel in the slightest. Its those pesky anti-sisterhood whoremoans.

To those people who's heads are bitten off and made into BBQ meat- I apologise and we should brain storm about the business opportunities in my new ability to breathe fire. I believe it to be a family trait. I would appreciate it if you didn't sell me to the circus though.

On a serious note, (Sorry for lowering the tone) do not beat yourself up for how you are around a certain time of month. Never repress yourself, but bare in mind that it isn't you, you would never react like that, you have been hijacked by the anti-feminists pirates  'Whoremones'. So count to 3, deeeeeeeeep breaaaath and ask yourself whether your reaction is proportionate and whether you are actually cross. From a family where women have historically, without fail suffered from PMS (You can even look us up in the loony bin, we're famous- you go girls) I want to urge people to not be embarrassed, go to your doctor and get it sorted if it is a serious issue. My momma ended up having a full hysterectomy (literally removing the hysteria) to solve it. Very few women are as extreme as my matriarch though so do not fear. Try and be rational, be kind to yourself and be open.

Because of my personality, I do not think I will suffer to any extremes hormonally, thankfully. However there is no shame if you do, you haven't done anything to warrent it.

My hormones are a walk in the park compared to the rest of it, I just thought it was interesting and I would share the change with you, a lighter blog and a big of a giggle.

Learn from my mistake,  never underestimate women's WhoreMoans,

All my love to you crazy Moo's,

Al XXX

Wednesday 23 April 2014

Day 80, Life is all about Perception, Perspective and Context

Endo 365

"My Perception is my Reality" 

I do not know why, maybe its the Literature geek in me, but I have a big thing for context. Perhaps it is the curious cat in me. I can't say for sure, all I know is that I feel it is central to pretty much everything along with perception and perspective. I guess I better make like a philosophy and literature essay and define what I mean by these three words:

Perception: Ones interpretation and understanding of the world and all in it.

Perspective: Ones views and attitude towards what has been perceived.

Context: All the 'stuff' people do not necessarily see or understand behind the scenes of our lives, decisions and views. The 'cause' that results in the 'effect'.

Our perception on where we have been and what we have seen and experienced gives us perspective and makes us who we are today giving us the context to our lives. Cause and Effect. I see context as the journey which gives you perspective, if you like. It is interesting. I am on the never ending quest of knowledge and love nothing more than getting to know someone, what made them who they are, their context, their perspective and indeed perception on life. Such a treat it is to get to know and understand another human being and what makes them tick. Who cares if they think me a little eccentric and inquisitive- because, lets face it, I am!

One thing I have come to realise: we are masters of our own experience. And we use our experience to contextualise the world and interpret it- our perspective. Thus, what we know is always subjectively laced by our own experience, values and beliefs. The saddest and happiest feelings we ever truly know are of our own. We can sympathise and rationally acknowledge that a greater sadness or love may exist, but the greatest we know truly is our own.

I am aware this sounds like intellectual indulgence right now, but bare with me.  There is a point that I am pedalling towards. I promise ya.

Although it may feel like we have the worst life, or the worst pain, or the worst luck, it is simply a case of being in the worst pain we know, and the worst luck. You do not spend every second with another person, shadowing their life and seeing just how unlucky they really are. And even then you cannot read their thoughts. If I may quote Atticus Finch "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."

Damn straight Finchy, and remember, there is a difference between understanding and fully experiencing. For example, I understand there are people who have a worse time with their endo than me, but in terms of my life, mine is the worse and I can't imagine it actually being any worse.

I may feel the pain I have experienced is the worst ever period pain imaginable: to be screaming uncontrollably having had 40mg of IV morphine, 20mg of IV Buscopain,  codine, napoxine, paracetamol, suppositories, sucked three tanks dry of laughing gass and god knows what else every two weeks is pretty extreme. But I know that there are people who have lived with greater pain, being partly blown up, eaten alive, lost limbs slowly with blunt objects, torchered, the list goes on (fun thought I know, I know). I know there are people out there worse off, but I cannot imagine that kind of pain. Likewise people probably think I am being dramatic when I try and articulate a pain attack for the same reason. Its all about the context and experience of our own lives. So try and remember this if people aren't particularly understanding, they're experiences don't match yours... I don't begrudge these few people, I feel kind of sorry for them that they can't think beyond their own experiences.

I'm warming up to my point now, I promise.

Our experiences educate and inform us, they challenge our beliefs and open our minds. I held slight prejudices towards people that I felt purposefully went out and abused their body and abused good health with things I formally view as self inflicted such as eating disorders.

When you have spent time in hospital with kids who will never go to school- you tend to develop a fierce attitude to how precious life is and how lucky you are to have it- irregardless of what you are dealing with. I used to get angry at the thought of people throwing their health away because I knew children who had no health and no choice.

However, last year my prejudices were challenged (it is very hard for my to write this as I consider myself an open minded person). Due to privet reasons, I realised that things I previously thought of as self inflicted, such as eating disorders, in many cases are as inevitable, tragic and helpless, as things thought of as unlucky and predetermined, without choice like my endometriosis.

My experience taught me that something I previously had  thought of as self inflicted, is not the case at all. In fact it is wrong, very very wrong. But I would never have believed that until I experienced it first hand. My perspective was challenged, changed and dramatically opened up.

Like Endo, mental health disorders are made taboos by the British Stiff Upper Lip (I would happily make you into a fat lip, you oppressive, close minded bigot).

I know this is controversial, but I believe this to be the truth: some people cannot help a mental health disorder no more than I can help develop endometriosis. Life is made up of cause and effect and our gene pools.

Something I was fiercely opinionated about and actually offended me, within a year my mind had been radically challenged and resulted in my opinion being changed, due to my experience.

The only time I struggle begrudging something is needless drug abuse. I understand the tragedy of addiction- but if you are the sort of person that can stop yourself getting there, then bloody well do. Because I would probably die for your body.

Although I am about to become a student, I know I will never try any drugs (I am not stereotyping all students into druggies here, just sayin'). Not because I'm a square. But because I appreciate the little health I have and will never do anything to jeopardise it. Plus the stuff I get on prescription is probably better and free anyway! So ha!

My point is this:

It is easy for people who suffer to begrudge others who seemingly have it easier and still moan. E.g. if my friends were to complain endlessly about cramps. But this is a selfish attitude to have because pain is relative to our experience and life isn't equal, and unknowingly I almost certainly complain about problems other people would die for.

This is the main thought that keeps me calm: I ask myself this- What do I really know of suffering? Have I ever worried for the saftey of my life? No. Have I ever worried when I will next have a meal or be able to have something to eat? No. If I get sick, do I know that I cannot access free healthcare to look after me? No. Will I always have a roof over my head? Yes. Are all my family still around me, live and kicking? Yes.

God, I am so lucky. 

Instead, I like to think of my problems in terms of a global scale. I contextualise my suffering to put it into perspective, make me realise how lucky I am. When I look to the developing world, I cannot help but feel better, even, god forbid, thankful, as an educated, strong, happy woman living in the society that facilitates every opportunity. But I also bare in mind that not everyone has my perspective or experience and so when they are complaining about problems I may prefer to my own, I never compare and treat them with the same seriousness I do my own.

View your problems separately to your friends, do not compare who's are greater,  it is very unhealthy, unhelpful and unproductive to do so.

So what is one person has a cold and the other has flu. Neither is going to detract or cure the other, so there is not point in involving egos. The base facts will remain the same, so you may as well get on the best you can.

I am grateful for the burdens I have carried because without them I wouldn't be me.

I use my strife to empower myself to view the bigger picture and view it positively.

Use your own experience to fuel your happiness and philosophies. You are in control of how you think and feel. Without turning this blog into Buddhist propaganda- "Every adversity, every failure, every heart ache, carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."

You can become a victim of your history, or use it to fuel positive thoughts and proactively make your life better.

The worst pain you feel is no less valid that the worst pain I feel, or what Jow Bloggs feels.

It is that simple.

Life is all about context. And perception. Oh, and most importantly, perspective.

Be brave, Be happy, Think big and just be greatful for life,

All my love,

Al XXX

Friday 11 April 2014

Day 70, Motivational Quotations (and why women with endo are more attractive)

Endo 365

"Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. However the strongest people are the ones who have felt pain, understood it, accepted it and have learned from it."

So, I have many bad habits. I cackle instead of laughing, I am always right- except when it comes to spelling (that I will admit), and when nobody is looking I pick my nose. I am sorry Granny, I know it isn't lady like. And i'm not afraid to admit this because after all... My blog is about periods. Taboos- I'm coming for ya! And don't pretend you don't!

I have a few good habits like everyone; I enjoy baking and exercise genuinely makes me feel good.

I have to actively seek 'good habits' because I am quite laid back and clumsy. (Is it just me or does the word 'habit' have an intrinsically negative quality to it? 'good habit' seems like either an oxymoron or suitable attire for a nun to me).

I unknowingly started in pursuit of one of my 'best habits' (positive thinking) pre diagnosis whilst very ill and in desperate need of hope that escaping from me.

Lemme set the scene...

It was a scary and depressing time in my life. I was fourteen and in chronic agony every day, being rushed into hospital twice a month with no rational reason behind what was happening to my body. It was also terribly isolating as no one else I knew my age was going through this and I was missing a LOT of time from school.

One day, fed up, I sat at our family computer and googled 'Motivational Quotations' in seek of mental escapism. I wanted to view a different perspective that challenged me, made me think, made me feel better and ultimately gave more hope than I probably previously had.

And it stuck.

I can spend hours and hours late at night unable to sleep just reading quotations. It was the enjoyment of thinking from new perspectives that led me to studying Philosophy and Ethics at A Level, and I will continue to read philosophy for the rest of my life.

These quotations opened the door to a new way of thinking for me. It established and positively moulded my personal philosophies and began to equip me with an attitude that both comforted and empowered me to be more than my suffering.

It is important that I stress I hate cleche and cheesey 'follow your heart and not your pea-sized-brain'quotations. I hope your find something refreshing in my quotations as I do.

Since then, I have kept a quotation journal (I am now on my third) of everything that has touched, challenged and inspired me. I hope one day these books will bring comfort to my children and grandchildren as they have done to me.

I want to share some of my favourites with you, maybe they might have a similar effect. Also, due to late night reading, some brilliant links and ideas.

Now this blog seems long but it is shorter than my other ones- maybe take time to read this blog and fully digest the quotations. I was ruthless and edited so many quotations out but I couldn't cut any more... Apologies!

Firstly, to put a smile on your face, here is a link to why women with endo are more attractive... thats right ladies, like we need telling: http://endometriosis.org/news/research/attractiveness-of-women-with-endometriosis/

Oh- and why most women with endo tend to be skinny: http://www.hormonesmatter.com/endometriosis-is-more-common-in-skinny-women-an-oped-follow-up/

The Endo Diet which I followed for a year and helped, however now I follow the FOBMAPs diet I realise the onions and veg I was eating did't help... http://www.endo-resolved.com/diet.html

Fobmaps Diet- This has made a REAL difference to my pain and energy levels, it is hard to get in motion but once you have worked out your meals is above and beyond worth it. Because I often eat on the go, I have a stock of 'Alice Friendly' food in my freezer which is plastic boxes of portions of food from batches when I cook. Here is the diet- http://www.lowfodmap.com/fodmaps-explained/ Here is what you can eat- http://www.ibsdiets.org/fodmap-diet/fodmap-food-list/

Visanne- I tried this for a year upon my professor looking for alternatives for GNrH- it is the first drug ever made specifically for Endometriosis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dienogest

GNrH is the only thing that medically worked for me but is only a temporary treatment. Boo. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gonadotropin-releasing_hormone_antagonist

If there is anything you would like to ask me further, please email me: alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk

I am looking for a new TENs Machine, does anyone have a recommendation?

Grateful for life:

I shall start with the quotation that was the catalyst to making me feel lucky and value life, and gives me goose bumps pretty much every time I read it:
"No matter how good or how bad you have it, make up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere is desperately fighting for theirs."

"Bad things happen; How I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilised by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have- Life itself."

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths and into the light." Thats you and me.

"Life is too short not to make the best and the most of everything that comes our way everyday." Sasha Azevedo

"Great spirits have always faced opposition from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude." HELLS to the YEAH.

"Love yourself enough to leave that toxic situation. Know in your heart that you deserve better." Be it friendship, lover, job or state of mind.

"Take Pride in your pain; you are stronger than those who have none." This is so so so true.

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections." This applies to people too.

"Life is not what it is suppose to be. It is what it is. The way you cope with it is what defines us as people. We all face similar battles."

"There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called 'yesterday', and the other is called 'tomorrow'. So today is the right day to love, believe, do, and mostly; live." Beautiful.

"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing; but to turn it into glory. Endure."

"Smiling is the best way to face any problem, to crush every fear, and to hide every pain." Need I say more?

"Often people that criticize your life are usually the same people that don't know the price you paid and the strength of character it took to be where you are today." Do not do it for recognition or credit- do it for yourself.

"Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to know happiness. Noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence."

"Every time you smile, find positives or humour in a difficult situation, you win." 

"As you breathe right now, another person is taking heir last. So stop complaining and learn to be happy with what you have."

"Don't pray for lighter burdens, but for stronger backs." Praying can be symbolic.

"The best way out is through." Robert Frost

"I am an optomist. There does not seem much point being much else" Winston Churchill and "If you're going through hell, keep going." You can see how he kept the countries spirits up.

"Whether I fail or succeed shall be no persons undoing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obsical before me or I can become it's victim. My choice, my responsibility. I win or I lose. Only I hold the key to my own fulfilment."

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, its always your choice."

"I don't believe you have to be better than everyone else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be." Ken Venturi

"Luckily you are stronger than your habits; you can change them. If you don't like something, change it." Seven habits of highly effective people.

"Even if you fall on your face, you are still moving forward." Excellent, because I am so clumsy. I love this one, its a cute non cliché way of saying you're always learning blablabla...

"I'm not telling you its going to be easy. I'm telling you its going to be worth it." This one is a good revision/ work out moto.

"A good head and a good heart are a formidable combination" Nelson Mandela.

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all: This too will pass." And it does.

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who got burnt." Buddha.

"Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not."

"Be grateful for small things, big things, and everything I between. Count your blessings not your problems" Mandy Hale.

"Take a deep breath, it is a bad day, not a bad life."

"Why be unhappy about something if it can be remedied? And where is the point of being unhappy if it cannot be remedied?" Could anything be less productive and pointless than worrying? I first saw this quote next to the library at the Dalai Lama's school for orphans and Tibetan refugees. Its a really lovely and interesting thought that makes a lot of sense when you think about it. "Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace".

"There are two primary choices in life: To accept the conditions which we are in, or accept responsibility to change them." Denis Wastley


Friend Quotations:

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
― Marcel Proust

"Spend your time on those who love you unconditionally. Don't waste it on those that love you when the conditions are right for them."
When your are ill a lot, sometimes you snap, and you aren't as much fun as you normally are. People show their true colours when you are ill, if they dont want to take the good with the bad then they are not real friends. And to Quote Will smith "If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success."

“We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.”
― John F. Kennedy

"Letting people ruin your mood is like saying 'here are the controls to my life, change my mood anytime you like because I am obviously not in control of my own life!"

Cheesey ones:
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over; it became a butterfly."

"Without the dark, we wouldn't be able to see the stars."

'To avoid criticism;
Say Nothing,
Do nothing,
Be nothing." Instead TALK ABOUT PERIODS!

"What you share with the world is what will become your legacy."

"When life puts you in a tough situation, don't say 'Why Me?!' Say 'Try Me!".

"Remember: every person you meet is fighting something, knows something you don't and possesses a talent you don't have."

"If you can't do great things, do small things in a great way." Endo tends to inhibit sweeping victories, but it doesn't stop lots of small achievements.

"People who are crazy enough to believe they can change the world, usually do." Apple Inc. HEY YOU, you can help, spread the word on endo, or something you care about, or something that bothers you.

"If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year today..." This is so true, before I get stressed out about things, I rationally ask myself whether this will matter to me in a month. If not, then it doesn't really matter now.

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: armatures built the ark. Professionals built the titanic."

"The conventional view serves to protect us from the taskly job of thinking" Oh you are so right John Galbraith.

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear." This applies to all sorts of things... love, careers, what you are capable to achieving even with endo.

"Do something today that the future you will thank you for." Invest in yourself.

"Life becomes easier when you accept and apology you never got." Whether it is from a friend, ex or just from life itself, you are the only loser in this situation if you are angry. Don't let it be this way. Unfortunatley life is unfair and we do not always get an apology we disurve. Thats liiiiiiiiiife, thats what people saaaaayyyy..... 

"Our lives begin to end the moment we become silent about the things that matter" Martain Luther King

The lock screen on my phone and iPad:

"Far better is it to dare might things, to vein glorious triumphs even though checked by failure, than to take rank with those timid spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat" Theodore Roosverlt- id rather a life of extremes than to be content.

"We live in Englaind,  sometimes we have to make our own sunshine."
I love this quote because well, I am British and it is slagging off the weather. Whats not to like? But also because it is an empowering quotation- actively encouraging you to make your own happiness, opposed to it finding you. And maybe finally, if the sun were a person it would be my best friend. Alice Hearts the Sun. Yep.

One of my most favorite quotations of all:
"The more you read, the more you know.
The more you know, the smarter you grow,
The smarter you grow, the stronger your voice,
When speaking your mind, or making your choice."
Now the context behind this quotation matters- but it all depends on how much you know about Tibet.

I hope maybe this has inspired some stream of thought, If you have any that you love and live by, please let me know! alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk

I give my blog the best of my heart and the best from my brain, this is a slice of fragile part of me and I only hope it comforts, challenges or elicits a smile,

That's all for now,

Your favorite mad chicken lady,

Al XXXX

Saturday 5 April 2014

Day 68, Happiness Is NOT Just Your Health

Endo 365

Now I am not being silly, I do know what is meant by 'Your health is your happiness'. People are being sympathetic, understanding and grateful of their own health. It is true- you do not know what good health is until you no longer have it. I know 'sick' people who get a little jealous of those healthy people who have no idea what it is to like awake at night unable to sleep through pain or worrying whether they will live to see their own daughters wedding. 


And their fustraition is equally understandable- because it's crap and because it's unfair and because 'Why ME?!' 

But this thinking does not solve anything, it does not help anything and in the long run it does not make you feel better but bitter. So if you have this tendency, stop it, drop it (like it's hot), accept it and allow yourself to be happy. You're in control of your own feelings- I will not take 'I can't' as an answer. 

I don't know about you, but when people say 'happiness if your health' sometimes I feel like punching myself in the face:

A) we all quite clearly know I do not have complete health- I do not need this highlighting (I am fairly perspective upon the former point) and I do not need you to prescribe to me how I feel because of it. Thankfully I am able to live outside cliche sayings...

B) For those amongst is who are suffering health conditions, it is a very negative, absolute statement. I can assure you this is not always the case.

C) I know plenty of happy people with awful health, and even more unhappy people with perfect health.

As humans, its ingrained into our DNA to take things for granted even without realising we do so. How would you appreciate something you are born with and didn't actively seek? How do we know what it is to be blind when we wake up to open eyes full of sight every day? 

I never think for a second to be grateful for my sight because it's just there... Do you? 

In fact, having worn glasses from the age of 12, I would say I am positively ungrateful for the sight that I do have. Which I wear contact lenses and glasses to correct it, because I am lucky enought to have that privilege. 

Note to self: Be thankful for sight. And hearing. And legs. Maybe even my healthy thighs, I guess it means I have enough to eat. 'Dear Lord, Thank you for my fat thighs...'  Thats it. My blogs couldnt get more bazar. 

I know it is very easy to get frustrated with those who grumble about pains and colds and the problems you would die for. And that can be relevent beyond just health, I have a good friend who lost her mummy and I would never dream of complaining about mind around her. Sometimes it is intolerable to hear. It's like starving and someone telling you how amazing their last grotesquely decadent their last meal was and how uncomfortably full they are now. But I know there are children in Syria right now who would love to go home to a safe comfortable farmhouse with both parents and a lovely lovely family, a free health system, having had a free and extensive education. What is a bit of pain when life is that good?  


When I start getting a bit down, The first thing I ask myself is this: What do I really know of suffering? How many people living in England know what it is like to genuinely fear for their lives every day, never knowing when they will next eat or with no where to sleep, no education and no access to free health care or a fair police force. 

So you see, happiness is not just your health, but your circumstance and attitude. I have had many amazing friends travel to the third world this year on their gap year (So Jel, I'll be there as soon as my tummy is okay) and I know they have met people in the circumstances I have just stated, and many of them are happy. 

So I think perhaps the saying should instead be 'Your Happiness is Your Choice, Your Attitude' rather than 'Your Happiness is Your Health'.  


But Now I have got myself started on 'Choice' so we would be here a while. I shall keep it short. 


I am going to stop calling myself a 'closet feminist' because we all know I am certainly not. Just because I don't grow my armpit hair, like dresses and have a boyfriend does not stop me from getting on my soap box. (Apologies for generalisation, I jest).

In order to empower myself and validate myself when I am feeling crap you must exersise your choice (this is a very useful skill to have in life- you cannot rely on other people to do this for you or go looking for it- that leads to sticky situations). I am a strong believer that in every situation there is a choice and you can empower yourself to choose for your greater good rather than just taking the easy route, the conforming route, the obvious route. You should break away and do what it best for you. Even if it is just how you think- it doesn't have to result in action all the time. Even if you feel like someone has been a whore to you and you want to cry and you cant stop it- deep down you are accepting their words and allowing them to upset you. Well empower yourself to give them 'the birds' (A colloquial term I learnt today meaning 'up yours' and the like. How exciting). If you don't like how your endo makes you feel, empower yourself to feel differently. Instead of being a victim to the pain, actively seek good and allow it to shape you into a better person, volunteer and give back, resolve some personal philosophies that enable you to cope and be happy irregardless of the situation life presents you with. 


Its amazing how comforting it is when you chose to look at the bigger picture, yes your health is a big factor to your happiness, but when you have it you probably don't even appreciate it and are worrying about something else anyway. You can choose, irregardless of your situation, to be happy.
 Empower yourself to write a list of the things you love, and then do them. 
Write a list of what is important to you, the things you value, the things you're happiest doing them and then do it every day. 
What in spires you? Can you adopt some of that? 

I love people who get on with things with a smile on their face. I made a conscious choice to become on of those people. Fake it until you make it. Soon after choosing to, it will become second nature. 

I love people who love life, see the good and make the most of everything irregardless of what walls are tumbling around them. After four years of endo and various other personal problems, I am growing into that person. And life is better, brighter and bigger because of it. By chosing to adopt that attitude I am for what feels like the first time, winning. 

Not all the time, but almost always I fall asleep grateful for my life. How lucky am I?

I can look myself in the mirror and know I am happy. And I certainly do not have my health. 

So lets not be pigeon holed as unhappy because we dont have perfect health- as people we are bigger than our health restraints, thus let not it monopolise our happiness. 

I conclude with one of my favourite quotes that suits my philosophies in almost every situation:

"Whether I fail or succeed shall be no persons doing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obsical before me or I can become its victim. My Choice, My Responsibility. I win or I lose. Only I hold the key to my own fulfilment and happiness." 

We are incharge of our own lives. Yes we may be products of our upbringing to some extent, but if you can to change or empower yourself differently, through strength of character and determination anything is possible.

Unfortunately, I am not doing so well currently. I am in a lot of pain almost all the time but hey, I chose for it not to beat me: I'm still smiling.

All my love,

Alice Smith

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Alice.smith@marriottfarm.co.uk